Saturday, August 20, 2016

"Free Range Kids For Sale"

So this weekend my son had his first sleepover. Hunter's friend, Isaiah is spending the night. As a single dad I thought I could handle this easily. It's just kids. How hard could it be, right? 
I met the boy's parents when they dropped him off. Nice folks with a good sense of humor. And they're leaving their child in my care. Clearly they're clinically insane. 
I mean... Seriously! Who in their right mind leaves their kid with me and expects me to adult?! 

Who was really more irresponsible here? I have to question their judgment. 

I ordered pizza, picked up soda and grabbed some movies from redbox. Then I got some survival aids for myself. I thought "ha. I've got this. Piece of cake". 
They ate a large pizza as they played Minecraft. I hate that game but if it keeps them occupied and happy then I'm all for it. The soda was probably a bad idea though. My kids almost never get soda or real sugary stuff. Maybe that's why I've experienced a medical miracle and they've never been diagnosed as hyperactive. Coincidence? I think not. 
But this time they did have soda. I might as well have given them meth. They went from being my calm little angels to hellions. Running, screaming, calling upon demons and shit. I'd just created a situation over which I no longer had control. 

For my own safety I just put in my ear buds and tried to focus on watching Netflix. At this point my only hope for survival is keeping their margaritas topped off. 

Me: ear buds and Netflix..

Them: aaaaaaaahhhh! Aaaaaaahhhh!! 

Sounded like a damn Apache war party in here.

By 9:30 I was thinking "I bought Benadryl and rum. In an hour I'll figure out which one to start giving them." Drugging them may be better than the rum. They're already running around like miniature Charlie Sheens throwing a bachelor party. Last think I need is to throw a little Jack Sparrow into the mix. 
So at 10:00 I send them all to Hunter's room. There's a tv, bluray DVD player, Roku and stuff in his room so I'm clearly not torturing them with this sequestration. Don't think this is a punishment. It's just a step towards hopefully calming them down. It took all of about 10 minutes before I was reminded of the drum set I'd bought Hunter and set up in his room. Uh oh. Ever see the movie Gremlins? Those were apparently just kids hopped up on Mountain Dew and wearing green paint. 

Isaiah said on the weekends he has no bedtime and I want to be the cool guy and stuff so I let them stay up. 

At midnight it still sounded like a pterodactyl breeding ground in there. No worries, aye?  

One in the morning they're still going. I could swear I heard them singing "Viva Las Vegas" and playing lacrosse. So I go in there fully intending to use a tranquilizer gun and what do I see? Isaiah is completely passed out in bed. "Good on ya, little fella". 

Mine? Watching YouTube and running around screaming like meth heads. At this point I start wondering if CVS sells Thorazine. 

Two in the morning and I'm begging my own kids for mercy. I'm rocking in the corner in the fetal position. Mercifully they finally succumbed to the lunar cycle. Or the soda finally wore off. Either way, they finally fell out. 

6:30 this morning Hunter wakes me up. 6-effing-30. My own kid. This is a kid who I've gotta drag out of bed by his feet at 7:30 on school days when he goes to bed at 9:00. I felt so betrayed.  But what's he wake me up for? Just to give me a hug and tell me he loves me. I've learned that's usually kid code for "when you get up and see what we've done, try to remember I was sweet." This instantly causes panic in my mind and I spring out of bed.

 Bleary-eyed I zombie walk myself to the living room to find they've already got the tv on and it's back to partying. Since I'm awake ish and they're already going full tilt they place their breakfast order. So I get to making the pancakes I've been instructed to produce. 
Ever try measuring and cooking when you're so tired you can't even figure out how to operate a Keurig? I was thinking it was going to be a long day. 

As it turns out, I was just off my game last night. By lunch today I'd woken up enough to figure out solutions. I had a talk with the demonic creatures who used to be my children.
See, I've got a treadmill type machine in my living room. We've worked it out so that when they start to feel hyper they run. I've now witnessed each of them run while simultaneously playing video games. 

I think I figured out the secret to sleepovers. This was our first one so it took a little trial and error. I've got this now. I spent 2 hours earlier giving them redbull and chocolate cookies. Since then I've gotten my car washed and so far one side of the house has been power washed. My only regret at this point is that I mowed the yard myself yesterday. I may be going up to Sears to pick up a weed eater since the sleepover is a weekend stay now. 
I'm thinking I'll try to arrange a sleepover again but invite like 4 more kids. My house would look good with mulched flowerbeds lining it. Maybe monthly sleepovers even. My bar is empty. Maybe I can set it up with sewing machines. See? I've got this.